A relationship measured against modest hopes is likely to exceed them

The argument

Those who offer this explanation treat satisfaction as a comparison rather than a quantity. On this account nobody experiences a marriage directly; they experience it against what they expected, and the same marriage can be felt as a disappointment or as good fortune depending only on what was anticipated. If that is right, then the expectations a couple starts with do much of the work in determining how the marriage feels for as long as it lasts. The argument is that a marriage entered without the expectation of romance begins with a standard it can meet. What is hoped for is a workable household, a decent partner, children if they come, and the slow accumulation of familiarity. Those are achievable by ordinary people having ordinary days. Proponents contrast this with a marriage entered on the expectation that the other person will be the source of one's happiness and the answer to loneliness, where the standard is one that no particular person can reliably meet, and where falling short of it is read as a fault in the marriage rather than in the standard. Holders of this explanation add that the direction of travel matters as much as the level. A relationship that begins modestly and improves is experienced as improving, which is its own source of goodwill, while one that begins at a peak is experienced as declining even when it is better than the first by any outside measure. They argue that this is why the same facts can produce such different reports, and why an expectation that sounds like resignation turns out, on their account, to be the more durable arrangement.

Premises

Counter-arguments

Critics argue that the explanation secures endurance at the price of what endurance is for. Low expectations will indeed be met, but a standard low enough to be reliably satisfied is also low enough to accommodate neglect, loneliness within the marriage and worse, and the account offers no way to distinguish a modest marriage that is going well from a poor one that is not being measured. They also question the premise about reported satisfaction, noting that where expectations are low, reports of contentment are themselves shaped by what it is acceptable to say.

Rejecting the premises

[Rejecting P1] Some features of a relationship, such as cruelty or isolation, are felt directly rather than as a shortfall against expectation, and no adjustment of expectation makes them tolerable. [Rejecting P2] A standard that ordinary conduct can meet is also one that poor conduct can meet, so the premise secures satisfaction by lowering what satisfaction requires. [Rejecting C] Greater reported satisfaction does not follow, since reports made where expectations are low are shaped by what may be said as much as by how things are.