Men cheat to feel validated

The argument

Tammy Nelson, one of Ashley Madison's in-house relationship experts, has described two leading factors that drive people to cheat, and the distinction between them is what this argument rests on. In the first case a person cheats in order to end their current relationship. The affair is symptomatic of deeper issues rather than the cause of them, and it functions as an exit: it represents the desire of the partner to leave, and the infidelity is the mechanism by which a relationship that is already failing is brought to a close. The second case is the opposite in intent. Here the unfaithful partner is not trying to leave at all; they are unfaithful because they do not feel validated in their relationship. The affair is sought alongside the marriage rather than instead of it, which is why it is characterised as a way of filling that one part of their life that their marriage doesn't. What is being pursued is recognition, the experience of being wanted and esteemed, rather than an escape route, and that is a want someone can try to satisfy elsewhere while leaving the existing relationship formally intact. The argument's claim about men turns on how these two motives divide. The site's data shows that the second type is significantly skewed towards its male members, meaning that men who cheat are disproportionately doing so for validation rather than as a way out. That places the explanation for male infidelity in psychology rather than in circumstance or opportunity. If the driver were the wish to end a marriage, both the reading and the remedy would be different; because the driver is an unmet need to feel valued, the behaviour is better understood as an attempt to supply something the relationship has stopped providing than as a straightforward rejection of the partner.

Context

In July 2015, an illicit hacking group calling itself 'The Impact Team' hacked into the website Ashley Madison and published its member's personal details. The site soon hit the headlines around the world. Most shocking was what this leak meant. The site gives a platform to people in relationships to arrange affairs. In releasing members' details, brought to light just how widespread infidelity is. There were over 40 million registered users on Ashley Madison alone. The site later shared user insights with the world, looking at the causes of infidelity.

Premises

Counter-arguments

Ashley Madison's data represents a very specific population and type of infidelity. The majority of affairs do not take place via online "hook up" platforms. We can assume from how new these platforms are, and the millennia that infidelity has existed, the desires of these groups are not representative of the wider issue.

Rejecting the premises

[Rejecting P4] Ashley Madison's members represent people looking for a very specific type of affair