Men fall in love with a "fantasy"

The argument

This argument treats infidelity as a psychological event rather than a simply opportunistic one, and it begins from an assumption: that cheating must be driven in part by sexual desire. If that is granted, then understanding why men cheat means understanding what that desire actually is — and on this account desire is not primarily a response to the other person at all. Research is offered to the effect that lust is so powerful because it is a reflection of the self. Lust occurs when a person projects their unconscious memories of attachment and love, together with their present ambitions, interests and passions, onto someone else. Those two streams — what a person has felt before and what a person wants now — work together to create a fantasy version of a potential affair partner in their mind. What the man is drawn to, on this reading, is not the other person as she actually is, but an image assembled out of his own history and his own longings and then attached to her. This is why an affair can feel overwhelming and inevitable while resting on almost no knowledge of the person involved. The psychologist Mary Lamia is cited in support: 'at times lust is an unbridled sexual attraction that seeks expression, where the physical appearance and attributes of one person ignite emotions of intense interest and excitement in another. This is because such passion is a construct of implicit memory that becomes enhanced by conscious imagination.' Implicit memory supplies the raw material without the person being aware of it, and conscious imagination builds on it. The excitement is real; its object is largely self-generated. If that is what is happening, then infidelity is not best explained by the qualities of the other woman or by a simple failure of will. Men fall in love with a fantasy of their own making, which is to say that psychological factors cause men to cheat.

Context

The motivating factor in many cases of infidelity is lust or sexual desire. What psychologists William Cupach and Brian Spitzberg describe as having "the wish to experience sexual union with another." The factors that motivate this are far from obvious. Psychological research overwhelmingly shows that lust is an expression and projection of emotional memory. It is as much linked to past events as the present realities of another person: "Yet whatever is triggered in your psyche regarding the lustful qualities of another person is something specific to your own history." The unique experiences a person has in childhood, for example, can later affect how they experience sexual desire. The base components of lust are therefore linked to these deeper historical events. When a man lusts after a woman, he is projecting a "fantasy" of his own making, based on these components.

Premises

Counter-arguments

There are several issues with this claim. Falling in love with a fantasy may hold true for long-term infidelity, where feelings have been allowed to grow. Yet, this does not explain instances of "unplanned infidelity", where the cheating party has not met the person beforehand. Research shows that these idealised projections have a lifespan. While lust can obscure the realities of a person, it cannot do so forever. In affairs, where unions can last years, lust does not explain how these develop and sustain.

Rejecting the premises

[Rejecting P1] Infidelity is not predicated on lust